If you want to improve how you write business emails, you probably collect newsletters for inspiration.
Looking for a good example of sharp email writing? The Trello newsletter is worth looking at. As well as the nice layout and uncluttered design, the writing is pretty good.
But it could be even better with a small few tweaks.
Let’s take a look and start with the strapline.
Let Trello Organize Your Life
It’s fine, not that memorable but you know where you are. Nothing fuzzy or abstract. So, it’s about organizing.
Next, the number of times they mention Trello is… eight.
Maybe a bit too much. It’s in every sentence. To me, this smacks of trying a little bit too hard.
Remember, I’ve signed up. I know who they are!
How the sales letter is structured
The text is divided into four – a lead paragraph, then three features.
Trello is the magical way to collaborate with others to organize your work and life.
Here’s a taste of the amazing things Trello can help you accomplish:
…collaborate and organize
Here’s the first question: is this the most important feature?
Get Stuff Done at Work
It’s hard to stay on top of who’s doing what. Constant status meetings can really put a dent in your productivity. Trello eliminates the need for meetings.
I’m not sure if this is true. It’s a great product but I’ll still have meetings. But, for now, let’s work with it.
They seem to be implying that it’s a replacement for ‘status meetings’ – not sure why they focus on status meetings, but again, let’s move on.
Plan That Home Improvement Project
Keeping track of a home improvement project can be a project in and of itself. With Trello, get the family on board posting documents and ideas, and set due dates for tasks like calling contractors.
Now we’re on to Home Improvement, which is a good idea as it broadens the appeal of the tool.
‘a project in and of itself’
Seems a bit wordy.
Organize Your Next Work Trip or Vacation
Planning a trip with colleagues or friends? Stop emailing back and forth when you can post information and plan easily in Trello. Add your collaborators to a Trello board and divide and conquer.
This I like the most, though it comes last. Again, I’d tighten it up.
Not sure ‘planning a trip with colleagues’ sounds right.
Likewise, this seems a bit verbose
Stop emailing back and forth
Let’s get to the point and change it to:
No more emails.
when you can post information and plan
Instead of information, giving an example might work better.
Help your customers see what they could be organizing. Give them ideas. Information and plan sound a bit jaded.
Like I said, Trello is a great product. Simple to use, practical, and effective.
But the text would be more persuasive if they:
- Reduced the callouts
- Mentions of the brand name and
- Gave concrete examples of how others use it.
PS – this is the best line. Add collaborators to Trello – divide and conquer.